A Little Chat From the Heart

Do you have daunting thoughts from time to time?

Do you think where did that come from?

Earlier this week after an exhausting work day,we had dinner and the usual happened that is our home routine,Mum and I went into the lounge-room to watch Heartbeat and her other favourite shows( I sit with her as I think it is important) and Bob sits by the fire where there is another small TV and watches his shows,when Mum goes to bed he then comes in and we will watch something together.

On this particular night Mum was very tired and went to bed at 8 half hour earlier than usual,Bob was so tired he was sound asleep in the recliner near the fire..I was alone in the lounge-room and an awful thought came upon me...this is what it would be like if I lost both of them...would I be doing what I was then? would I do as 2 close friends who have lost their partners do..sew,read or whatever late into the night as sleep evades them.
I think I would sew every evening with the TV or radio gently in the background for company,but I am sure it would be mournful... the silence...
I asked Bob what would he do if I were to die first and Mum was gone and he was all alone.He was horrified that I would even have that thought process,and he said he has no idea how he would live.
I do really know where this thought came from...
On Monday I drove past the cemetery as I do each day doing deliveries , just past it there are 2 new housing areas that are filling fast as near by is the most wonderful view of the river and farms,in the front row there is a new grave,it belongs to Rosalie Brooks, a strange little lady who had ill health for many years, she was married and she and her husband were never apart,they never had a family but were very much a part of the family next door of Samoans,so they were not totally alone yet they were very insular.
Rosalie passed away after an awful illness  just 5 weeks ago.As I drove towards the cemetery I saw their car parked near the grave and was just gutted when I saw Geoff her hubby sitting in the car with the door open with his head in his hands,tears flowed for me for Rosalie and her love Geoff ,how hard it must be for him,how lonely and empty he must feel.
I did not go to him,he is a very private man and this was a very private moment but it bought all sort of thoughts into my head of what if's.

I just pray to God that he gives me the strength to cope with what is ahead,sometimes when one partner dies the other is liberated like my Mother in Law as she had an awful married life but stayed,then there are the Geoff's of this world,I think we are in the middle as we have interests in our life although we do most things together,I do think that it is so much harder for those that do nothing other than live for each other, I believe there is a balance and although it is beautiful to see such a partnership,how much harder must the pain be.

I pray for the strength, the courage and the overall faith in handling anything that life throws me,I do pray however that I am  missed just a little and that Bob will find a new and happy path as I would hate to see him in the pain that deep sorrow brings.
Bless you Rosalie Brooks you were a sweet little person and bless you Geoff as each day you try to get through minute by minute,you were a wonderful husband ,I will call and see you soon,I wish I could make your pain less,all I can offer is comfort in your time of grief.