Past Thoughts and Gentle Grieving...

Loosing Uncle John very recently has seemed to make everyone in the family panic in a way.First our daughter came home a few days before my birthday to make sure we had a meal together and to share our sadness and my birthday,Kate is my rock our conversations mostly short as she is so busy with work and family but even a text comes with "Love you Mum" and it means the world,  as we live far apart and she wanted to see me for my birthday and her hubby came too which is rare and I loved it..this does not usually happen,we have lots of phone calls but rushing home is not the usual...then our son rang and said they were travelling 2 hours each way on my birthday day to have lunch...his wife said it is wake up call time and we all need to make sure Nana feels loved etc,and that I know they care, I do get to have long chats but it is usually about their life etc and the kids which is lovely I do not burden any of them about "me.
I have found it quite a difficult time to be able to grieve, I have found that when I needed that good cry,Mum needed hers more so it was nurturing and comforting her that has taken priority,then Bob has not been feeling 100% his back is so sore ,we have had non stop rain for days and delivering the mail by motorbike as we do here has been a tussle for him on the slippery paths and so he needed caring for as well.
So in all this I have discovered what I call "gentle grieving" I have had to talk to me and cry me tears as I drive along on my work day...me and I have shared happy memories of Uncle John as he was such an influence in my life, it is he I have to thank for being scared of the dark! when he was a young man and dating(he was very handsome and much loved by the girls) he would come home late creep into my room with a torch shining under his chin and wake me up ..to see this luminous face and haunting laughter to scare the pants off me!! o'h he thought it was hilarious and the best part was I fell for it everytime!
My cousins of the male variety still wear underpants under their pyjamas and they are 60 years old because of Uncle John, as little boys whenever they would visit and walk past him he would "pants them" yank their jamas down and they would run for their lives trying to pull them up while he laughed his head off...he was a terrible torment and the tales go on and on..
He was a wonderful man that survived being buried alive at 28 and he never could have a family because of his horrendous injury,he was dug out by a work mate just below the chin so he could breathe till they got him out,his other workmate was not so lucky..
Anyway he was wonderful,my point is that do we ever really find the time for just "me".I read sometime people are having some "me"time where is this elusive thing?
I would like to just sit and reflect and wallow in a little bit of self pity..but you know what where would that get me..my Mum needs nurturing,she needs to be able to talk about her lovely young brother John and tell me of the things he did to the girls as with three sisters he was a much welcomed addition and from his birth they were like little mothers to him.
I have listened to cousins call and say wish I had rung him more,wish I had kept in touch,so now they are calling Mum to make sure they have no regrets when it is her time, I won't have any either that I can think of ...
I just want to say that if you do have an older relative and don't want to make a call or a visit or anything just send them a little "thinking of you" note or a small package to show you care...remember at Christmas I seemed to make endless puddings,well it was this Uncle that rang and said"I would love to taste a real Christmas pudding just once more" Mum and I made that pudding to his Mums recipe the next day and we posted it to him,he ate it with gusto for about 3 weeks, a serving each evening and I am so glad we did that..no regrets left for me.  Just a "gentle grieving" as I drive each day looking at the beauty of the countryside as it is a place similar to this that he lived and as a country boy it makes me feel close to him.Forever in my heart..